Thursday, November 01, 2007

Reports of my Demise, and all that Jazz

Who knew Mark Twain was prescient?

First things first. Please allow me to apologize to all my regular readers, correspondents, and personal acquaintances.

In my absence (to be explained momentarily), my now-ex-partner, Pat Mullins, decided to test a rather bizarre (some might think "outré" a more appropriate term - and count me among them!) marketing theory on you.

Pat apparently theorized that if our customers thought I had been killed, they would be likely to book additional business, or at least to pay old, outstanding invoices (all of our invoices are outstanding - just as are the jobs we do for each one of our clients!). To my surprise (and chagrin, I might add), Pat's theory proved - at least partly - correct.

With the exception of one (1) "hold-out" [no names here, but you know who you are ....], all of our past-due invoices were cleared, and revenue rose a quite-healthy 13.7% (on a Seasonally Adjusted Annual Basis, of course).

Still, Pat's been sacked.

I don't know how to put it more bluntly, or I would have done so.
Pat's been sacked.

As with most effective deceptions (or "lies," as I prefer to think of this, Pat's final outrage), Pat's ploy began with a kernel of truth (or fact), but spun rapidly away from the "straight" and true (if you'll pardon the expression).

I was, indeed, in training for competition in the Modern Pent-athlon, assisted by my new partner, Jody - against whom no charges have been (nor could be!) filed, as I was neither killed, nor even injured during said training. In fact, I was part of a reality series (which was produced and shot "on spec" as a promotional opportunity to link up with the upcoming Olympic Games® in Beijing (the Istanbul of China - I still think of them as Peking and Constantinople, don't you?).
As with all such programs, a very severe media and personal communications "black-out" was in force, with Pat naturally being my sole designated correspondee (in retrospect, it seems so obvious - but I mustn't obsess, hindsight is always 20/20 they say, how could I have been so blind? - but I mustn't obsess).

With a bit of luck and marketing acumen (to whom might we turn for that, one wonders ... ha!), this series should be gracing your local Ion or MyNetwork television affiliate station in time for the "Games."

At any rate, it should be clear by now that I am not dead, nor gone, nor (dare I hope?) forgotten. I look forward to re-establishing the cordial, professional relationships most of you have enjoyed with us here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC over these past several years.

For now, however, I believe I'll return to practicing my shooting and fencing; after all, one never knows into whom one may run - one simply never knows.

Last time, Pat wrote about
Jay's having been killed in a freak Pent-athlon accident:
Steve Babcock, responded:
"I'm sure there was no intent to upset us, but reading of Jay's death in a newsletter just about did me in too.
Pat, I'm hoping everyone there is OK, and I hope this doesn't sound too unfeeling, but will this affect any of the research and marketing projects you're doing for us? We don't have a lot of resources out here in Bozeman, MT, so we'd hate to lose you ..."

Steve -
Thanks for the concern, but as you can tell from the reports you should have received by now, we're still happily in the business of helping our far-flung friends in the pursuit of marketing excellence!
-- Jay


Anonymous said...

So, you're not dead, and it was all just a scam to get someone to pay an invoice?
That's just beyond the realm, man - Jay, I can't believe you weren't in on it, and I don't know if you can ever regain my trust.
Plus, I don't believe Pat's been fired, or "sacked" as you said - if there even is a Pat!

Jay Standish said...

You cut me to the quick, my anonymous friend - to the quick.
Not only have I endured a humiliating fictional death, now I'm accused of having been a part of the plot?!
If you were "man" enough to post your name, I'd give you what for.
As it is, I'll simply say, "Pat's been sacked, and he really does exist, and for you to think otherwise is grossly disrespectful and wrong-headed. Stop it now!"