RIP Uncle Stan

Alas, my dedicated readers (after all, who else would note this post after all this time of inactivity?), I'm saddened to note a notable passing.

Many of you are no doubt aware (or perhaps not!) of my now-late uncle Stan Lee and his famous tag-line (or, if you prefer, catch-phrase): Excelsior!
In fact, I had adopted said expostulation as my own sign-off in my marketing and personal correspondence some time ago (and all that with my uncle's approval, mind you!).

I shall find it difficult to use that word for some time to come, no doubt, without its bringing a lump to my throat and a glistening of a tear to my eye. None the less, I shall persevere - extending the legacy of a great marketer, bon vivant, and creative gemius.

Stan Lee will be missed by all and sundry here ate Jay Standish, Inc.  LLC, not least of all by me,
Yours truly,
Jay Standish,
Jay Standish, Inc. LLC

Excelsior!

A Special Offer for Our Detroit Area Friends!

Friends, how many times have you realized - but too late! - that you had an early afternoon sales meeting (or "call" as they are often termed), just as you finished the last - tasty! - bite of one or another Italian delight?

After a moment of panic at the thought of "garlic breath" causing the loss of a sale, you probably grab a breath mint or other candy, hoping simply to cover the faux pas, not to rectify it. (Have you ever wondered why we always use a French term for these things? Are the French simply more likely to commit them, and so have the best name for them? I know I have wondered precisely that.)

If your experience is anything like mine has been - and I have a good deal of experience, as Pat can confirm - covering up garlic simply doesn't work. That's where the GOOD FITE® comes in - in a veritable syzygy of the gastronomic and oral health worlds, Andiamo's and Listerine have teamed up to give frequent diners access to the latest anti-garlic breath technology: Listerine with AGB!

We here at Jay Standish, Inc.  LLC are helping these two titans of industry to roll out their alliance by running a limited time test program at the Royal Oak location. Frequent diners will be approached as they depart - based upon the analysis of the level of garlic breath as measured by the table service professionals at Andiamo's - with the option of gargling with the new Listerine with AGB! Takers-up will have their sales successes tracked and analyzed by famed sales expert Bartholomew G. Edison, and the results will be included in an upcoming revision to his bestselling tome, Selling 402 - How to Zig Past Ziglar and Make the Big Bucks.



Watch for the Jay Standish, Inc.  LLC associate recruiting test subjects at the Royal Oak Andiamo's in the next few weeks!

Excelsior!
Jay Standish
Jay Standish, Inc.  LLC


Remember: GOOD FITE® is a registered trademark of Andiamo's and Listerine.

You Could Win with Listerine®

The top stories of business success with involve gargling will win!

As I mentioned in my last newsletter, the folks in China were generally less polite than I had expected. In addition (and much to my surprise I must admit!), the lack of oral care put me in mind of my travels in the back-country areas of Scotland and Northumberland.
In addition to the cosmetic aspects of this dentistry-averse culture, the sheer level of halitosis was something to behold - or to be-hold one's breath, as it were!

This experience put me in mind of the many ways in which our latest client's product has actually been put to use in our own firm's storied history. Many regular readers will remember the efforts of my erstwhile partner, Pat (I'm not bitter), to cover his liquid lunch habits with a quick (yet firm and bracing!) gargle of Listerine^®.

Most readers will be less familiar with other tales of marketing efforts and derring-do which have not been reported heretofore in these missives. One such example would be the time when one of our marketing paladins was able to fulfill a life-long dream by fronting the celtic-punk band, Left Sister Down at an actual "gig" as they call their jobs. Unsurprisingly, this marketer of Italian extraction sent forth such a wave of garlic that it nearly knocked the band members off their respective feet. It was only after some quick thinking by Morgan (one of the leaders of Left Sister Down), that "Joe" was able to stay on stage - Morgan provided a travel-sized bottle of Listerine^® and the "gig" was saved!

But enough of the history of Listerine^® with members of the Jay Standish, Inc. LLC "family" of marketing professionals and clients.
We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC would like to hear from you, our loyal readers, telling tales of other situations where the use of Listerine^® was able to "save the day" (as it were) for you, your associates, or your clients.
As noted in the subhead of our current newsletter, the top stories - seven of them, as selected by an impartial panel of judges selected at random in the lunchroom here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC on September 16th at noon! - will receive a fabulous prize.
"What," I hear you ask, "will be said fabulous prize?"
"A full year's supply of the Listerine^® flavor of your choice," I reply with some measure of certitude and alacrity.

[Please note that for the purposes of this "contest" (or promotional event, should you prefer), a year's supply will be construed as one 1.5 liter bottle per week, to be delivered through our customized Amazon.com Prime Subscription system.]

So what are you waiting for? We must receive your entry - an original tale of a marketing fiasco averted by gargling Listerine^® by midnight (Eastern Time!) Wednesday September 14!


Last time, Jay wrote about returning home from China and granting a paladin's wish:
Holger Dansk responded:
"Allowing a commie un-civil servant to take your sword away makes me wonder how much you really know about paladins and such, Jay. I know I would never have suffered such indignity without at least threatening mayhem or worse..."


Ah, Holger, my friend, if only it were so simple. I fear that a rapier is no shield against the machine guns the airport guards began wielding for the Olympic period. Still, I admire your spirit, and match it fully with my own - Excelsior!

-- Jay

A Rare Moment, Indeed

It is with a fair amount of humility that I confess I was completely and abjectly wrong in my prognositication regarding the finalé of Dancing With The Stars. You likely caught my commentary and predictions in the comments to the previous post regarding the departure of our wooden cowboy friend from the competition.
A Mr. Bruce Campbell (surely not the Bruce Campbell?) asked for my thoughts, and I was more than happy to provide them. Sadly, I now must eat the proverbial crow.

My presumptive ordering was exactly the inverse of the final results. Thrilling though the dancing was, the "fans" who made the final determination seemed to enjoy the girlish antics of our erstwhile Olympic sweetheart far more than did I. (I would like to emphasize that in predicting the reverse order of finish, I did - in fact! - get the second-place finisher exactly right!)

My prediction had been that Melissa would win, followed by Gilles, with Shawn taking the bronze [as it were!]. My preference would have been to reverse those top two, placing Gilles in first place and Melissa second. But it was not to be.
Confounding my expectations, Melissa was the first one called out - as the third-place finisher. Next came the obligatory tension-building session of commentary from the delightful Tom Bergeron and the nearly-delicious Samantha Harris. And build tension it did.

Imagine my surprise (and no small measure of chagrin - no small measure at all!) when Shawn's name was called as the new champion. Another victory for the Olympians among us (as if they needed more), and a strong commentary that this nation no longer abhors short people [Randy Newman notwithstanding].

Ah well, on to the next season. Now let the speculation begin: will there be another computer industry "star" in the mix? How about a marketing professional? It's already got me tingling like Chris Matthews at an Obama speech!

Excelsior!

Well, so much for the wooden dancer ...

After surviving far longer than anyone thought was reasonable (especially Li'l Kim, one might think!), our rodeo friend has finally been bucked off the stage [as it were!] by dint of everyone else's being better dancers than he.

Still, as noted in a previous "post" on this "blog," Ty's performance simply exposes the feet of clay of a certain "monkey-dance" poseur at Micro-Soft. Had M. Ballmer had the cojones (as our erstwhile near-finalist might have put it) to hoof it over at ABC along with Woz, his software giant (read de facto monopoly) might be looking forward to years of growth.
As it is, few will care that Steve "Fester" Ballmer might have been a contender, but chose to hide in Redmond instead.

Sad, that - sad indeed!

At any rate, one can only hope that the finale this coming week will be as spectacular as in seasons past, and that the next season will bring yet new surprises to the small screen.
Who knows, might there be a place for a master marketer to "bust" a move on the federally chartered all-digital airwaves? One can but hope and dream.

Excelsior!

No "Adios" Yet

Well, shock was all around the audience this evening. Certainly I had no inkling that Lil Kim would be leaving Dancing With The Stars this early.
While the "junk in her trunk" as Len put it so Britishly did little for me, Ty's steady, yet mechanical dance style seemed over-ripe for plucking, as it were.

Perhaps the folks at home were mesmerized by his cowboy charms, perhaps the judges were tiring of Kim's gyrating glutei, perhaps we'll never know.

Still, it shows how important this program has become to America and Americans - if only Steve Ballmer had "sucked it up" [so to speak!] and entered the fray this season he wouldn't have had to lay off all those MicroSofties this week.

Ah, me, the vagaries and exigencies of marketing in the modern world.

So, five, six, seven, eight, Excelsior!

Marketing Ostriches

Wishing won't make it so, my friends;

no, I'm afraid that it simply won't.

Oh dear, they're at it again. Perhaps I'm getting an inkling of what our infamous, erstwhile Vice President experience when he felt compelled to upbraid those "nattering nabobs of negativism" in his famous address.

Would that it were as simple as combating a bevy of journalists on jeremiads – alas, it's far worse than that. Once again the “trades” are full of excoria, purporting to be expert advice regarding the practice of marketing and maintaining brands – and these by self-proclaimed practitioners of the craft.

And what [dare we wonder?] do these “experts” prescribe? Nothing less than the death of brands as we have come to know them. Yes, these experts resemble no one more than the fabled Dr. Kevorkian of suicide machine fame. As an aside, one wonders – where is the good doctor these days, in prison? Writing a book on marketing? The mind fairly boggles, no?

“Surely you exaggerate!” I hear you cry, and perhaps I do – but I very much doubt it; for once again the siren call of “Your Brands are what everyone else says they are” is heard throughout the land. Yes, and your résumé means precisely what I think it means, and not what you had intended, right?

And so it goes.

When will we get past this cult of the mediocritocracy? Perhaps this all goes back the Jean Paul Sartre and his French existentialist ilk. The whole idea that “you are who others think you are” seems to be the basis for today's rampant brand surrenders.

One must assume that they've missed the basic point of Sartre's play, Huis Clos (or No Exit, to you and me!), which was that Hell is Other People.

If we let our brands be defined by “other people,” we've consigned them [and ourselves!] to Marketing Hell. Hardly the stuff of which dreams are made, let alone profits.

All the while this drivel [yes, drivel!] is being promulgated, we also receive information that strong corporate brands continue to grow – despite the economic downturn. Clearly, a fickle, shifting public defining of these brands is no-where to be seen – growing brands are strong because they're nurtured by wise marketing professionals, not by being blown thither and yon by the vagaries of public opinion.

In a related blast of cognitive dissonance (if you'll pardon the “technical” term!), I read that there are now more Americans making their respective livings as professional bloggers (?!) than there are fire-fighters or even computer programmers [sadly, there are still more lawyers than bloggers].

“Where's the dissonance?” you ask. Well, just as my mind was being boggled by reading this statistic, I discovered that one of my three favorite bloggers is hanging up his keyboard, as it were.

Whenever I wanted to catch up on the goings on in the “Motor” City [that's Detroit to you and me!], I would steer my trusty browser straight to the Detroit Media Guy blog on the internet. Seldom [if ever!] would I be disappointed by the posts and the comments. Yes, it's quite a testament to the readership that DMG (as his cyber-friends seemed to call him quite regularly) was able to attract that the comments to his musings and postings were often as well-written (and as well read!) as those posts themselves.

Perhaps it's time for a mini-series of newsletters covering my favorite bloggers – before they're all victims of bit-rot or right-sizing – or perhaps not.

It might be instructive to gather a list of your favorites and mine, so that we all might share in the cyber-bounty of thoughts and counter-arguments that make up the blogosphere [and no, Jody, that as nothing to do with that rascally erstwhile Governor of Illinois!].

As a start, my top three, in no particular order (thank you, Tom Bergeron!) are:

Detroit Media Guy,
Random Rantings, and
The Lonely CEO

[feel free to follow the links cleverly embedded in the preceding text to sample these fabulous blogs!].

We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC look forward to compiling and disseminating a list of our joint favorites in the weeks to come.

Excelsior! and RIP DMG.

Last time, Jay wrote about the death of newspapers and paper routes:
R. Scott "Randy" Hearst responded:
"Jay, you've either got your tongue stuck in your cheek, or you're woefully ignorant of the real workings of the paper-delivery system in this great nation of ours.
I notice that you don't distribute a printed version of your newsletter, so you don't have to deal with finding a stable of stinky young brats with bicycles to pedal through urbia and suburbia delivering the sweat of your brow - now firmly printed on pulp. If you had ever had to substitute at 4AM in the cold for some rotten brat just because he had strep throat or pneumonia, you wouldn't ..."

I'm going to stop you right there, "Randy," before it gets too personal. Once you've calmed down a bit, I'd appreciate a less deprecating and more thoughtful commentary. Any chance of that?

-- Jay

The Demise of News[papers]?

Beaten to a Pulp? What will fishmongers and bird owners do?

Denver, Seattle, Detroit … the itinerary of death for pulp nonfiction wends its way across our land. While our sub-head [please pardon the technical term, won't you?] may seem a bit frivolous [but clever!], the topic most certainly is not.

Most articles – or screeds, if you will – which one reads on this topic are predictable in their tone and focus. “Oh, dear,” moans the editorialist, “American civilization is doomed to collapse as precipitously as the circulation of [insert major metropolitan newspaper here]! If citizens don't read newspapers, they'll vote for the politician with the whitest teeth or cleanest collar. Without the journalistic class to protect the masses, they'll follow someone else's lead instead.

This musing is different. Frankly, we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC don't see that the journalistic class has done all that much good for us as a nation [especially lately!], nor that it's necessarily a bad thing to give someone else a turn at leading the gullible to the public trough to be fattened for slaughter and exploitation. Well, granted that is necessarily a bad thing, but not necessarily a worse thing.

At any rate, this musing is different, in that it purports to concern itself with the long-term effects of this sea-change in information distribution modes on more important matters – marketing and advertising. Think about it; how many of us grew up as workers and entrepreneurs by starting with the [no longer, alas] ubiquitous paper route as a first job? The virtual overflow of our in-box here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC is largely due to a plethora of messages on just the topic broached above – where will decent employees be found in the future, when there are no newspaper delivery routes to hone their sense of responsibility?

Sadly, the answer seems to be: “Sorry, haven't a clue, please move on to the next topic.” Of course, that's only the first brush at an answer, but it seems to be held quite nearly universally. It has been estimated elsewhere that of the [nearly!] 10% unemployment we see in these United States, somewhere between 3 and 7 points are directly attributable to employers hesitation to hire new workers who are seen as potential slackers at best, and certain dead-beat lay-abouts at worst.

Of course, the Mumbai Times [or whatever the Bombay Post is now called – why do these cities keep changing their names? I still want to visit Constantinople, my friends, but I'm thwarted at every turn.] simply couldn't have employed the teeming multitudes of that fabled metropolis in its delivery ranks, and companies here are discovering that a slacker in Mumbai, India is not really much less expensive than one in, say, Merchantville, New Jersey – and the phone charges are actually [generally!] much lower when employing the domestic variety.

"Well and good," I hear you moan, "but what does this all mean for me as a marketer or advertiser?" and well you should ask that. Consider this thought experiment, won't you?

• Newsprint, the "paper" part of these news-papers, is a renewable resource, admirably administered by our friends in the timber and pulp-wood industries. Should the need for said product "dry up" or decline, there will be fewer of those rugged lumber-jacks chopping down trees and eating their respective lunches.
  
• Next, and perhaps more importantly, there will be less "virgin" [pardon the expression] newsprint available for recycling.
  "Get on with it, Jay!" you say, and so I shall - but be warned, this next bit is hardly for the squeamish among you.
• With less fresh paper available to be put into recycled paper and cardboard for packaging, our clients and marketing partners will find it more and more difficult to – truthfully – label their packaging as being comprised of large percentages of post-consumer recycled products.
• Frighteningly, just at the juncture where it is essentially essential to be seen as "green" or Earth "friendly" by the consumer, their own changing habits will stick a monkey-wrench, wooden-shoe-like, into the very mechanism to which they have sent us.
  

Well, I'm sure that having read the foregoing, each of you, dear readers, has reached the inevitable conclusion that our own employees will hate us for refusing to be "green" by using recycled paper products, the raw materials of which they have refused to supply by refusing to read newspapers. Of course, these very employees, having missed out on the training and in-doctrination normally supplied by working a paper route, will drag our companies' productivity down to the levels of those in Hungary, Canada, and other third-world nations.

We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC are nothing if not optimists, but soon we may be nothing.

Your comments and commiseration are welcome, as always.

Last time, Jay wrote about entertaining clients and subtance abuse:
Bill Wilson responded:
"Jay, I think your thumbnail hits this picture right between the eyes. I remember when I started in advertising, and it was nothing for us to down three or four cocktails before lunch, and then have a few more when we got to the restaurant. Of course, it didn't really affect the work we did, nor do I think I have a problem with ..."

Bill, I think it's time to move out of Egypt, and away from de-nial, my friend. Please, seek competent help while you can still count to twelve!

-- Jay

Entertaining Clients

Are there lines which one ought not to cross?
Some pit-falls and prat-falls of T&E

We were having lunch at Michael's a week or so ago. I believe I saw Jack Myers there with an attractive woman who must have some position in an up-and-coming, off-the-wall new media company.
"Aren't you having a drink today, Jay? Are you feeling OK?" queried my guest.
"Yes, I'm feeling fine, thanks, but no, I'm not drinking today. This is my way of showing solidarity and lending some moral support to my erstwhile partner, Pat."

Some background may be in order here. What a long, strange trip it's been....
Perhaps I ought not to have been surprised, but I must admit that I was completely gob-smacked when I received the call from Dr. Rodney.
The good doctor was calling from the Casper-Harvey Clinic to tell me that Pat had “checked himself in” for treatment.
After hanging up – and informing certain of the staff here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC – I had a long conversation with Morgan and Jody about the dangers of our way of life – viz. how entertaining clients can be a quick road to liver damage and other problems. Morgan – perspicacious as ever – opined that this might help to explain Pat's behavior back when he had announced my death to the readership of this newsletter and blog. I have a feeling that Morgan is correct.
In fact, I have been out in the great (!) Pacific Northwest® these past two months, lending to Pat what support I could in his efforts to de-tox his body and to re-start his life.
At first, I was almost more concerned for myself than for Pat, as I – for perhaps the first time! - noted just how much of the distiller's art I routinely quaff. Still, as the weeks went by, and I began sleeping more soundly than I had in years, I found myself almost thanking Pat for his “fall” from grace - as it were! - which showed me just how closely behind him I was poised (metaphorically speaking, in the main).

But ... back to my lunch at Michael's. My co-diner [but not co-winer!] was somewhat non-plussed at the fact that I was forgoing the traditional adult beverage. While not nearly as prevalent as it once was [alas, the days pass much too quickly], the consumption of alcoholic beverages as part of the business T&E tango goes on a-pace.
One wonders if there will ever come a time when the after-lunch brandy, the "House Chardonnay" with the entrée, or the pint of Guinness [for strength!] with a plate of fish and chips will be as unwelcome in polite society as is the Camel "straight" or the post-meal cigar in this day and age. I - for one! - dread any such developments as not only counter-productive, but also de-civilizing.

Still, I come back to that scene where I had to fess-up, as it were, to the fact that I was drying out in order to show support for a friend who was also being dessicated - and this for his own good, mind you.
There really isn't much more to put in this issue of our once-regular newsletter apart from this: We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC look forward - and most eagerly, let me assure you - to hearing your thoughts on this topic. Is there really a new era about to dawn on the consciousnesses of this generation of marketing professionals? What will a fully tea-totalling workforce mean to productivity measures? What of the workers at the breweries, distilleries, and wineries of this fine nation [and beyond!]? Think of the children! When will they learn the difference between an ale and a lager, a Pinot Noir and a Shiraz, or a true Bourbon and simple Tennessee sippin' whiskey?

We anxiously await your replies.

Last time, Jay wrote about long-distance relationships:
John Dvorak responded:
"I've been a true road warrior for as long as the term has meant something other than a wrestler or Mel Gibson wannabe, and let me tell you one thing. My relationships have been just as satisfying from a distance as they are up close In fact...."

Let me stop you there, John, before you reveal more than you perhaps truly intended.
As you may be able to discern from this issue's text, things are going, while not swimmingly, at least they are going.

-- Jay

More Bad News for Micro-Soft?

Yes, it looks as though Steve "Monkey Dance" Ballmer has once again flubbed the only opportunity he has to be a significant mover and or shaker in the world of high technology - viz that he was not included in the cast of the upcoming eighth fabulous season of Dancing With the Stars.

To make matters worse - if that were possible! - co-founder of arch-nemesis Apple, Steve Wozniak is the sole representative of geekdom on the program. One imagines this may be a chance for Apple to segue from Jobs to Woz, should the health of the former not improve adequately.

As before, please remember that you read all this here first!

Sad News from the World of Television

Perhaps you recall a reader's comment from back in April (the issue of April 28, in fact):

Last time, Jay wrote about amateur hubris:
Ima W. Esome responded:
"I don't know where you come off saying that my public access show isn't as good as Mad TV! You've probably never even seen my brilliant impersonations of Beverly Garland or Alice Ghostley...."

I think someone's pulling my leg here. Still, you didn't make any good points, and there's no point in annoying the host.
-- Jay

Well, the sad news has just come over the wire, as it were, that that fabulous actress and screamer, Beverly Garland, has passed away. sic transit gloria mundi, sic indeed.

Jay.

A Delicious Irony?

Has anyone ever heard of a long-distance, East-West Relationship that succeeded?

Now they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
And that tears are only rain to make love grow
Well my love for you could never grow no stronger
If I lived to be a hundred years old

Words never rang so true as when the late, great Roy Orbison crooned those heart-rending lines to all of us, lo these many years ago. Little did I know then, that one day I might live those words that once seemed just so much philosophy and wisdom, but now seem to be life itself.
I'm sure that you, my regular readers, clients, and friends, will be a tad surprised to find out that Pat has contacted me once again. Shocked is more descriptive of my initial reaction, you may be assured - shocked indeed.

Yes, absence does seem to make the heart grow fonder, or so I'm coming to believe, albeit somewhat reluctantly. What with my frequent trips across the country to participate in bi-athlons, pent-athlons, and extreme rock crawling, I've found that the offices here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC, humble though they be, are a welcome haven when at last I return home.
Somewhat similar feelings seem to be starting around other areas, and regarding other people as well. I can but imagine your surprise as you read the words I am about to type, but imagine (if you can!) my own surprise at being able to type them: Pat may be back in my life.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC do nothing if not drop grudges as events make evident that they ought to be dropped - and events seem to be conspiring to indicate just that.
No, Pat's not been re-hired, not by a long-shot! In fact, Pat's relocated to the West Coast, pursuing a life-long dream to get into screen-writing and other creative endeavors. Rather than allowing our former relationship to recede along the banks of Lethe, the added distance seems to have, as the song-writer would have it, made the heart grow fonder. Whether anything will come of this, only time will tell, of course. Still, I'm hoping for some "pointers" or "guidelines" or other "advice" from my friends and readers. Can these long-distance relationships - crossing time zones! - ever really work?

As we head into the "holiday season" - with Thanksgiving hard upon us! - I'm sure many of our thoughts are turning to turkey (or tofurkey if one is so inclined), pumpkin pie, and football. Well, my thoughts are more likely to be turning back - recalling days reclining in front of the fire on a bearskin rug with a loved one. Perhaps my thoughts are turning to mush, but perhaps that's where they really have always belonged!?

At any rate, more marketing musings coming soon, and thanks for being there for me.

Last time, Jay wrote about returning home from China and granting a paladin's wish:
Holger Dansk responded:
"Allowing a commie un-civil servant to take your sword away makes me wonder how much you really know about paladins and such, Jay. I know I would never have suffered such indignity without at least threatening mayhem or worse..."


Ah, Holger, my friend, if only it were so simple. I fear that a rapier is no shield against the machine guns the airport guards began wielding for the Olympic period. Still, I admire your spirit, and match it fully with my own - Excelsior!

-- Jay

Home At Last!

And Jay Standish Inc. LLC becomes a veritable "Make A Wish" for a "Reader"

“At last!” I hear you cry, “At last Jay has returned and has issued another “newsletter” to help us better to serve our clients. Huzzah!” Well, perhaps I exaggerate a bit – perhaps a bit. At any rate, it is with no small amount of joy and gratitude that I type these words back here in these United States.

I don't want to make this newsletter any longer than necessary by reciting the story of how I came to be so long delayed – the full tale must await another issue. Suffice it to say that the “authorities” in Red China (yes indeed – they had this marketer seeing red!) did not look kindly on non-registered athletes arriving at their Olympic Games^TM, epée on hip. No, not kindly at all. Detaining me at the airport for days seemed to be nothing less than a pleasure to these “officials” who deemed me a threat to society – all the while ignoring the other travelers who were gleefully snapping photographs with their iPhones® and happily emailing them – and countless blog entries – back to civilization. Tell me (if you can!) which of us was more of a threat to the Chinese Way of Life (I believe the call is the Tao of Poo or something of that sort).

Needless to say, I eventually was allowed to return home, having missed not only the entire Olympic Games^TM, but also the entire Special Olympics® as well. Perturbed, but in no wise chastened (!), I was at last able to return to my office here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC and attempt to pick up my communications threads and my life.

Imagine, if you will, the amount of email correspondence awaiting my attention upon my return from Peking. Sadly (and many of you may have already anticipated this!) only a very small percentage of that volume was actual, useful correspondence. The vast preponderance was notifications, invitations, and updates from my "friends" in various "social" networks.
I have become convinced that SNA (Social Networking Abuse) is a major threat to the productivity of the American Economy. Think of the hours you have spent opening and deleting copies of the latest mass email (countless copies of which have been forwarded to you by countless contacts!) proclaiming the "Nearest Approach of Jupiter to Earth in Nearly a Month!" or "Missing Child Found Eating Own Foot to Survive in Densely-Wooded Valley" or "Russian Women Want to be Your Wives" or any of a number of such missives and pitches. Clearly something must be done or we'll find ourselves unable to sift the “wheat” from the virtual chaff.

Enough of this “belly-aching” for the nonce – we will (most likely!) revisit this topic in a future newsletter, attempting to draw some marketing inferences from the sad state of the current social networking landscape. “Heart-warming” sounds so much better than “belly-aching” and it was just such a gem that I found amidst all the other offers, updates, and come-ons in my “in-box” upon my return. Let me share it with you:

Many of you, my long-term subscribers and readers, will no doubt remember the tale of our first (and only so far!) Marketing Paladin; viz. that his goal in life is to front a punk band. You will further recall, I trust, that I had put “Joe” in touch with Morgan and Shannon of the (sadly) now-defunct Celtic Punk band, Left Sister Down. Little did I know then, that said introduction would lead to one of those School of Rock© moments until Morgan passed on to me the picture embedded below in an email.

Apparently, “Joe” was in the area when Left Sister Down's final “gig” (that's what they call these jobs – I'm not making this up!) was announced. He put “two” and “two" together and got “for your last gig, wouldn't you like a guest vocalist on a tune or so?” And, in fact, they did! “Joe” was ecstatic, nearly needless to say, and Left Sister Down made it a memorable night for all involved.

Media reports, sketchy though they were, indicate that “Joe” made a somewhat creditable performance on two “covers” - “I Want To Be Your Dog” by Ignaz Popp and the Stooges, and “I Want to Riot” by Rancid. One critic noted,

“[“Joe”] seemed a bit ill-at-ease with the lyrics at first, but once the band found a groove to fit his, he sounded somewhat better. On the next tune - “I Wanna [sic!] Be Your Dog” - [“Joe”] really hit his stride, sounding angry, mournful, and canine all at once. In sum, not bad for an over-the-hill never-was, and it was nice of Left Sister Down to share their final spotlight with [“Joe”] - we might have witnessed the beginning of the Geezer Punk Revival there that night.”

As previously noted, the photograph above was supplied to me by Morgan, and depicts the members of Left Sister Down, along with sound-people, roadies, hangers-on, and (at the far right!) our friend “Joe” after the “gig” had ended and the “crowd” had dispersed.

We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC are proud to have been able to be a part of fulfilling the dreams of one of our colleagues – well done, “Joe,” well done indeed!

Excelsior!

Jay Standish,

Jay Standish, Inc. LLC

Last time, Jay wrote about his produced but not sold reality series:
Henry Weed responded:
"That's one of the big problems with independently produced programs - you never know if there's really an outlet for what you're making...."

Thanks for your comments, Henry (may I call you Hank?), but it's not so much that there was no outlet, but rather that I was hood-winked out of the time needed to assure placement of this spectacular on the proper outlet by my former partner, Pat (who's been sacked!).

Excelsior anyway!
-- Jay

A Double Apology Is Now Necessary!

Make that a "triple" apology now, as we seem inadvertently to have (once again!) disallowed commenting on this posting. It would appear we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC need an update to our quality controls or other process improvement in order to avoid such "blunders" and "mistakes" in the future!

Those of you who receive our newsletters may well have noticed the strange title of the latest issue. In fact, that was, in fact, the place-holder used in the "template" which Kim (from our IT group) had created for me. I was simply in too big a rush to return to my negotiations which are discussed below. The double apology mentioned above is accounted for with this one, along with the one in the next paragraph.


First off, and from the very beginning, I wish to apologize for my long absence from the issuance of our regular (?) newsletters.

While we've never made any pretense of having a "hard" or "rigid" publishing schedule, we've tried to keep the ideas and thought provocation flowing more steadily than we have in recent weeks.

Not an excuse, but an explanation, is (perhaps!) in order.


As most of you are likely aware, the 2008 Olympics® are about to begin in Beijing (or Peking as it's more commonly known - the Istanbul of the Far East, as it were). As most of you are also likely aware, I was a participant in a "reality" show which had as its working title, "Who wants to be a Pent-Athlete?" Said show was clearly a natural for an Olympic® tie-in, and as such was it purveyed to varied "media" outlets.

In fact, until just this past week (or so!), I worked under the understanding that this "show" was to be broadcast by one of the ESPN affiliated networks - and this under a strict non-disclosure agreement; one which would not even allow me to tell my closest friends and / or confidantes of this scheduled "airing" until the first promotional announcement had aired.

Perhaps I should have realized long ago (perhaps? I think that "clearly" or "obviously" might be more appropriate here - read on!) that there was a problem - or a monkey wrench - in the works.

The ESPN family of networks had been shut out of Olympic® coverage yet again, but hankered (isn't that a delightful word?) after some related programming. While I was away participating in the reality program, my erstwhile partner, Pat (who has since been sacked!) was negotiating network carriage of this speculative production. Imagine my surprise in recent days when I discovered that Pat had produced an agreement for the program to air on ESPN 8 [affectionately known as "the Ocho" for some reason] - the which network doesn't actually exist! It seems to be a network name used only in accounts of fictional sporting events. Pat has once again nearly shattered my dreams (but I mustn't obsess).

Accordingly, I have been away these past many days working to find a distributor; thus far with no luck.


Normally, we would hope (and expect!) to be carried on the fine Bravo network, but they're already chock-a-block full with actual Olympic® coverage.

Still, Semper Spero^TM is but one of our many "mottoes" and "catch-phrases" here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC, and we try to live by each of them every day. (Yes, "I mustn't obsess" is another of them, if you must ask.) Accordingly, I shall now return to my efforts to place this fabulous program on a broadcast (or cable!) outlet, in order that the amazing trials and camaraderie inherent in all reality programming might be viewed by as many potential consumers as possible.


Should I be unsuccessful in gaining an outlet in time for the originally anticipated "tie-in" with the Olympics®, I hope to find a distributor for a "direct to DVD" (and Blu-ray!) edition.

Until then, I fear I must leave you with no special marketing insight other than this - never sign a contract without knowing whether the other party (or parties!) actually exist. The embarrassment, angst, and extra work you save may be your own!

Last time, Jay wrote about a Marketing Paladin:
S.M.F. responded:
"Jay, that guy might sound like just a cutup, but I've worked with him (I'm pretty sure I know who "Joe" actually is), and while he likes a good jest now and then, he's one of the hardest working men in the business. In fact, I'd be proud to have him recommend me to prospective employers..."

Well, S.M.F. (that really is the only "name" we got on this note), I'm glad to see you realize the importance of the opinions and recommendations of such as our first Marketing Paladin. Best of luck in your career, and do keep in touch.

-- Jay

Marketing Paladins RoundTable

My apologies to King Arthur, and to

Charlemagne, too, for that matter!

As my long-time readers (and friends!) know well, we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC are nothing if not inveterate travelers. We try each year to manage a grand tour of these United States - and sometimes our friendly Provincial friends to the North (eh?) - meet-ing, greet-ing, and seminar-ing our way hither, thither, and yon.
On one of my recent gala-vants, I was able to sit down with some of the finest minds in marketing and advertising. Sadly, it was not an actual RoundTable as our title indicates, but rather a series of conversations in a series of venues (most of them at Red Roof Inns - many having both indoor pools and free in-room Wi-Fi!).

As my most recent missive may have made clear, I (along with most of my bi-athlete prep-school chums!) have long had a fondness for military strategy, history, and so forth - not that I'm the model of a modern major general, by any means! Nonetheless, among the tomes over which we would pore in those days (and nights!) were the recountings of the exploits of the knights of King Arthur's Round Table (there was surprisingly little mention of flour or other wheat-like products, but I digress) and those of the Paladins (though not the one from San Francisco, I fear!) of the court of Charlemagne.
Granted that these were distinct groups, operating in different regions and at different times, I was drawn to the camaraderie and bonhomie evidenced in both groups of men. Accordingly, when I find fellow professionals who seem to embody the absolute best of the marketing (and advertising!) field, I have come to dub them the Paladins of Marketing, or Marketing Paladins. I imagine them sitting around the RoundTable, discussing at length, and with great vim and vigor, the most important topics and disputations of the day.
Thus, when I have the chance to sit down with one of these modern day Marketing Paladins, I feel it's a chance I must take - and a record must be made.
This, then, is the first in an occasional sub-series of newsletters which will grant you, the reader, an insider's look at the workings of some of the finest minds I know. This first installment is the record of a conversation I had with one of my good friends, and one of the earliest supporters of our full-motion-video-equipped beverage vending machines (sadly, our business deal was never - quite - consummated).

"Joe" did ask that I disguise his identity, as there was some chance of his leaving his then-current employment in a simply peachy Southeastern metropolis and heading for dryer climes out West. I have endeavored to keep his identity somewhat hidden - not least by slightly editing (or even leaving out!) the answers to some of the more personally-identifying questions, and by employing that in-famous "blue" oval. Still, I believe that all and sundry of our readers will find "Joe's" thoughts both enlightening and refreshing. [In case you're wondering, "Joe" may (or may not!) be a pseudo-nym or "nom de guerre" for my actual interviewee - but I'll have to keep you wondering! Yoiks!]


Jay: What's the most important thing you've learned about advertising?
"Joe:" The ability to deal with change isn't good enough. You must have a passion to drive change.

Jay: Is there any food that helps you think more creatively?
"Joe:" To what food group does a cigar belong?

Jay: If you had to live on a desert island, what would you miss most?
"Joe:" How about some more details? Does the island have a golf course?

Jay: What got you into this business in the first place?
"Joe:" I was a pre-med refugee who stumbled into a marketing major. I really enjoyed my advertising classes (both of them!) and had a portfolio, comprised of the best of my college art courses. Looking back on it, it's a wonder why anyone hired me after they saw it.

Jay: Who was a big influence in your career?
"Joe:" I was fortunate to have several mentors during my career. They taught me media's technical skills, how to manage and inspire people, and how to have fun along the way.

Jay: What was "your finest moment," the thing of which you're most proud?
"Joe:" I'm proudest when someone I taught along the way has become successful in their ad career.

Jay: Do you have a method for coming up with ideas and solutions for clients?
"Joe:" Get to know a client's business, then, get to know their customer. Not just who they are, but how they live, act and think. I want to understand all of the rational and emotional factors in their purchase decision process.

Jay: What talent do you wish you had?
"Joe:" To write music and carry a tune. Not a perfect note, just one good enough so I could be the lead singer in a punk band. [note: At this point, I was pleased to introduce "Joe" to my associates, Morgan and Shannon, who were two of the members of the (sadly) now-defunct Celtic-Punk band, Left Sister Down. It seems nothing ever came of that meeting.]

Jay: What makes a great brand?
"Joe:" The ability to listen to their customers, then adjust to those customer needs. The great brands will continue to have relevance and give value to their customers.

Jay: What was your most embarrassing moment in this business?
"Joe:" Back in the polyester days, I had a pair of pants literally fall apart at the seams in the office. I learned a real life lesson on the value of quality that day.

Jay: What are your plans after advertising?
"Joe:" Lots of travel. With golf clubs.

Jay: What's your favorite sports team?
"Joe:" Anything [hometown]...[NBA Team], [NHL Team], [MLB Team] and yes...even the [NFL Team].

Jay: What frustrates you the most?
"Joe:" Negativism. I want to beat bloody hell out of people who aren't positive. @ssholes. [sic]

Jay: Do you have any pets?
"Joe:" No pets. I have a tough enough time making sure that [my boss] goes on the papers.

Jay: What was growing up like for you?
"Joe:" I grew up with [Y] brothers, [X] sisters and a whole gang of kids on a playground in a small [Midwestern] town. Every day was a blast!


So there you have it. The first full download of a wide-ranging and stimulating conversation with one of my Marketing Paladins sitting with me at the RoundTable.

Last time, Jay wrote about combining skill sets in unorthodox fashion:
Holger Hesten responded:
"Jay, I felt I was really a part of your chess boxing match as I read your newsletter. I still don't see how it helps me as a marketer, though. Of course, there are plenty of times I'd love to grab a client and punch him silly...."

Hold on there, Holger! There was no call to arms meant to be included in my last missive! Rather, it serves (or should!) as a reminder that we often have skills which are apparent only in our avocations which can be of great use in our true vocations (or callings!). That's how it should help you as a marketer. Should you desire further guidance, we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC stand ready to help.

Excelsior!

-- Jay

I Hope You'll Indulge Me

I believe you'll enjoy this excursion into the past, leading to the future of marketing!
I've been reading quite a few marketing and advertising articles recently which use boxing as a metaphor for our work. One such exhorts us to take the advice of (the mythical!) Rocky Balboa's (also mythical!) trainer – played by the delightfully loopy Burgess Meredith, whom I loved as the Penguin on the Batman television program, but I digress – when the told Rocky to learn to “eat lightning and crap thunder,” if you'll pardon the imagery.

Another posited the wisdom of Angelo Dundee, who adapted his training to the style of his charge, Muhammed Ali (perhaps you remember him as Cassius Clay?), saying “when you get a short guy, make him shorter. When you get a tall guy, make him taller.” Words to live by, I believe, unless your name is Procrustes, and you're a bed salesman – but again I digress.

Although a life-long athlete myself, I've only once been even tangentially involved in boxing, or the “sweet science” as it is sometimes named (that's pugilism to us here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC!).

I hope you'll all indulge me as I fade once more back to my prep school days. My bi-athlon team held practices out in the woods behind the athletic building, where stray shots and scattered casings were less likely to cause any trouble for our athletic brethren (and our sistern, as St. George's had gone "co-ed" some time before). Our return path to “the showers” took us past the gymnasium where the boxers plied their trade, and just short of the meeting room of the chess team.

Oddly (at least it seemed so to us at the time), both of these groups looked down on the various prowesses of those of us on the bi-athlon team. The boxers looked at us as wimps and “poseurs” (although I don't think a single one of them could have pronounced that word properly, let alone spelled it!), while the chess team thought of us as “jocks” or worse (whatever that might have been).

One of my team-mates, Al Bester (you may have heard of his Canadian cousin, Myriam Bédard who actually won Olympic bi-athlon medals!), came up with a spectacular thought – viz. we would challenge the combined chess and boxing teams to a chess-boxing match. Naturally, chess-boxing is a relatively unknown sport, as it has only been mounted the one time (to our knowledge!), and the expected winners are none too eager to repeat the drubbing they took at our hands (and minds!). But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As I was recounting, Al Bester conceived of the chess-boxing match, and even created the rules. This was much like the Wizard Chess^TM many of you are likely to have seen in the fairly popular line of films about a wizard named Harry Potter®. The main differences were that rather than using magic to move large pieces around, students stood on the “board” and punched one another silly to gain access to the desired square, and that we split the boxing team between the chess team and ourselves (we being the bi-athlon team, just trying to keep things clear!) to be the pieces for the two sides.

The chess-ters and their coach, Mr. Rybak, thought themselves possessed of a great advantage, conceiving themselves to be masters of the tessellated square, while Mr. Giordano, the boxing coach, looked on the match as a spectacular opportunity to find out which of his pugilists were “sand-baggin” as he called it. We looked at it as our chance to put all of them in their respective places.

Being skilled marksmen and skiers, we bi-athletes were naturally also interested in matters military, so the study of strategy and tactics (especially Greek!) was a bit of a hobby for many of us. We expected that these studies would translate themselves quite well into the world of chess-boxing – nor were we to be disappointed!

The day of the match arrived, cool and clear, with a hint of juniper and lilac on the breeze. As we set our “pieces” in place, a bit of a tussle broke out among the chess-ters' boxers, as they argued about who would be king and who the queen. We had no such troubles with our “men,” having chosen wisely with just this potentiality in mind. Our own bi-athlon coach, Mr. Gunderson, wished us well, and repaired to the stands to watch the expected carnage. It was only the briefest of intervals, a few moves on each side, before the fists were flying, and we had quickly relieved the chess-ters of the majority of their pawns.

In short order, our king's bishop and queen's knight were threatening the opposing king – who escaped by means of a queen-side castling manoeuvre (precisely the move for which we had hoped!). In a trice, our king's knight had crashed over the last pawns and cold-cocked the opposing king. Victory was ours, and none had ever tasted sweeter.

“Well and good, but so what?” I hear you cry, and I can but agree. It was well done and a good lesson to us all; but what can we take from this to apply to our marketing lives?

Simply this – while our marketing opponents (c.f. our competitors and their products) may have mastery of particular fields or skills which seem to give them the advantage over us with the customer, there will always be a combination of skills which we can bring to bear which said competitors not only cannot match, but perforce cannot withstand.

The sight of the opposing “king” lying on his back, bloody-nosed and glassy-eyed should be an inspiration to all and sundry. I know that it is to those of us here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC, and we stand ready and able to help each of our friends and clients discover and develop those "combinations" which will lead to your very own marketing triumphs!


Last time, Jay wrote about "offensive" marketing:
Marian Kirby responded:
"Jay, I think you hit the nail right on the head with your column about bad taste. I can't tell you how often I'm embarrassed to watch TV with my son - all because of commercials for various hygiene and health products. "Mom, what's feminine itching?" or "Mom, what's erectile dysfunction?" I don't know what they're teaching nowadays, but he sure isn't learning this stuff at the junior college...."

Marian -
Thanks for the kind words. Perhaps it's time for your "tyke" to be out on his own? I believe I learned most of these things on the street corner, and look where it's gotten me!

Excelsior!

-- Jay

Pushing Past Propriety

Some marketers go far beyond the bounds of good taste - does it matter?
In this day and age of boundary pushing (if, indeed, any boundaries any longer exist to be pushed or crossed!), it is not terribly unusual to find "viral" advertising efforts being released into the wild as it were, with little (if any!) regard for the effects they might have on the health and image of the brand being "touted" or otherwise portrayed.

Is this wise? Is this prudent?

We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC have undertaken a weeks-long foray into the heart of darkness to investigate - and to answer! - those very queries.

For the purposes of this newsletter, we shall limit ourselves to a single instance of this phenomenon.

Perhaps you've heard of Belgium? It's a smallish country located in Europe in the general vicinity of France (and Germany!). Despite its somewhat nondescript nature and near-anonymity, Belgium is the source of much of the world's finest beers and chocolates (I can vouch for the former from personal experience, and Francis in our comestibles practice assures me that the latter is no less true!).

¡¡Good Taste Threshold Warning!!
potentially-distressing details below

In addition to these two products (and perhaps in part due to the former!), this nation has created a new promotional opportunity - a cross between a urinal and a videogame. By directing one's "stream" onto strategically-placed sensor pads, one is able to interact with a game on a screen placed directly above the urinal-proper.

This cleverly named Place to Pee^TM is the brain-child (so to speak!) of a pair of Belgians (an electrical engineer and a software developer) who apparently thought that time spent at the wall was wasted when one could be playing video games at the same time. (Apparently they are still working out how to make it more "gender neutral" as the design is quite misogynistic to-date.)


"But what," you no doubt ask, "has this to do with marketers pushing the boundaries of taste?" Ah, let me explicate and so forth.

This Place to Pee^TM is meant as a promotional attraction to be set up at, for example, a product demonstration for a new vehicle. Suppose one were launching a new, high-performance vehicle, and suppose part of that launch activity to be a demonstration of that vehicle's capabilities at a some-what remote location. Part of the accoutrements of this demonstration would (no doubt!) be tasty beverages - likely of the non-alcoholic persuasion, given the whole drinking and driving thing. Still, even Pepsi® products or Iced Tea tend not to stay locked up forever (if you'll pardon the imagery), and having an entertaining way to relieve one's customers might be seen as a value-added proposition.


The question remains, however - how will this affect the brand perception? will there be a positive (or negative!) rub-off from the recreational micturating?

Our research indicates that the amount, and direction, of brand association varies with both age and sex. Young men tend to see this as "cool" and "hip" and "with it," while older women tend to see it as "vulgar" or "disgusting." Those between these two poles tend to have reactions between the poles as well.

So, returning to our hypothetical product demonstration, the appropriateness of this kind of value-add seems to be based mainly on the target audience of the marketer's product. Were this a family vehicle (e.g. a mini-van or other station-wagon-esque vehicle) with a significant appeal to families and women, the risk would seem far too high, while in the case of a lower-priced, two-seat sporty car aimed at young men, there might be no problem at all.

This all stands (no pun intended!) in stark contrast to a smoothly rendered full-motion video (with stereophonic sound-track accompaniment!) playing on a CoollMisst^TM equipped beverage dispenser. Without being too self-serving (at any rate, attempting to avoid such appearance!), we also would like to pass on the fact that our research indicates that all ages, sexes, and ethnicities are equally receptive to such a machine and such an exposure.


As with all marketing quandaries and conundra, the wise seller will consult a professional before beginning any program. We await your comments (and enquiries!).

Last time, Jay wrote about the wisdom of playing tricks on one's customers:
George Parker responded:
"Not only are you one of the dumbest @$$#013$ I've ever seen, if a company played a trick on me I'd either congratulate them or tell them to go f..."

George, you seem to have a little trouble expressing yourself in the Queen's own English. Calm down, take a few deep breaths, and try again when your vocabulary returns.

-- Jay

Once again - a persipcacious prognostication!

As noted in a previous post here on my "blog" (viz: here), Messrs. Ballmer et al. have been shown the door by that feisty Yahoo! board of directors.

Had Steve been able to demonstrate his "monkey dance" chops (as it were!) on this season's "Dancing With the Stars" on ABC, there might have been a chance for Micro$oft to purchase Yahoo! - as it is, he's likely doomed to watch his company dwindle and fade on his watch.

Yahoo! in the mean-time, seems poised to join forces with one or another of the various "internet" colossi (perhaps AOL? perhaps Murdoch? perhaps yet another?) and become a stronger competitor for those irksome fellows at Google (I'm still smarting over that Mars prank, but I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough).

Recommended reading for Mr. Ballmer - the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: fascinating!

Excelsior!

Pranks, Gags, and Other Such Tom-Foolery

Is it ever "O.K." to fool one's customers?

Well, well, well. It appears that the lads at Google® have colored me Tom. Their April Fool's Day announcement of an expedition to Mars caught me and took me in, both hook, line, and sinker (as it were!). Perhaps you saw my entry on my "blog" on the internet regarding my expected departure for the "red" planet . (Please note that I have left that entry there as a testament to our open-book policy here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC.) The only defense I can offer is that I came across it on April 3rd, and was (justifiably!) no longer in "that's an April Fool's Gag" mode. Ah well.
Still, one wonders (or at least one ought to wonder) about the long term (or shorter!) effects that such pranks, gags, and tom-foolery may have on the brand under whose rubric they are perpetrated. (viz - might I now use Yahoo!® whenever I google something on the internet, being reminded of my folly each time I see that multi-hued Google® logo?)

Pranks and Gags have been the topic of conversation here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC over the last fortnight or so, largely due to my having been taken-in by the “Virgle” announcement, and my associates' glee at seeing one usually so perspicacious falling victim to what ought, in their view, to have been a fairly obvious prank. Sam opined that, as humor is often based on an unexpected outcome to a seemingly simple narrative, corporate pranks and gags might well be considered simply having a joke with one's customers.

While I see the appeal of that line of logic, I couldn't help thinking of some of my favorite old comedy films – viz. The Three Stooges, and their hilarious blend of slapstick and political pastiche. In many of these, a seemingly innocent action ends up with someone's nose in a large pair of scissors, or a hot iron to the nether regions, or a saw “accidentally” shaving a reverse Mohawk^TM into someone's head, or ... well, I'm sure you get the picture. I believe, however, that it was the staff's general reaction to an accidental meeting with a banana peel on the lunch-room floor that brought Sam to my line of thinking. To wit: “Pranking your customer is generally not a good idea.”

Consider this “thought experiment” (or Gedankenexperiment, as Hans Christian Ørsted might have said) in this regard. Your consumer durable goods firm has completed a contract to subsidize the mortgage payments of consumers who agree to buy a certain number of your appliances over a five-year period. In the first of these appliances (perhaps a new top-loading washing machine!), there is one of those great spring-loaded snakes that used to come in boxes so that when you open them it jumps out at you. This is all meant in good fun, as is only clear based on the coupon for 20% off the purchase of a package of a co-promoted laundry detergent attached to the hind-end of the snake.

Your new customer opens the washing machine (perhaps with a double arm-load of dirty clothes - or unmentionables!) only to have a huge snake leap out, trailing a 20%-off coupon for laundry detergent. There is little in the literature to suggest that you will now have made a customer for life – in fact, your legal department may find itself defending the no-cancellation clause of the mortgage subsidy contract!

No, my friends and readers, it seems clear that one ought never to fool one's customers, let alone Mother Nature!

In a belated nod to "Earth" Day, we ask you to enjoy another helping of Classic Jay, this time from April 20, 2007 -

Mother Nature Taking Over?
Is your marketing aligned with the seismic shift in consumer attitudes?

Who would have thought Home Depot® would be leading the way? Who indeed? Still, it comes as no surprise that there would be a savvy marketer ready to capitalize on the current greening of the world, does it?
Regular readers of this newsletter know that we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC are nothing if not savvy, and with our commitment to various "out-of-doors" activities (including bi-athlon and rock racing!) we are also committed to maintaining an environment around us.
Lest the reader think this is nothing but pre-Earth Day pandering to the masses of environmental lobbyists, crack-pots, and ne'er do wells. We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC have put our collective money where my mouth is - so to speak! - and are working on making the space flights mentioned in last week's newsletter something more than a marketing boon-doggle. Indeed, Lee (from our R&D group) is hard at work (as are we all!) calculating the relative costs and benefits of carrying toxic and other forms of difficult-to-dispose-of wastes on these space flights - with the proposition being that said waste be dumped, not on the Earth, but rather tossed into decaying orbits around the Moon or (perhaps too ambitiously) the Sun itself.
Imagine, if you will, a next-generation Space Shuttle - in full NASA regalia - bedecked NASCAR-like with logos of sponsoring entities (perhaps your product? your clients' product?) along with a payload, also logo-bedecked, of dangerous waste products, bound for extra-Terrestrial disposal. Who might be interested in such a scheme? How about Waste Management®? How about the InSinkErator® folks? How about just about anyone wishing to make a statement that we know better than to mess up our own house? As they say, animals don't defecate where they habitate (a catchy rendition or that sentiment, don't you think?) - neither should people.
What marketer wants to be known as one who poisons his (or her!) own customers? We here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC believe the answer is clear and unambiguous: nobody we know!
Once Lee's work (along with the fabulous Jay Standish, Inc. LLC R&D staff) is done, we will be shopping around the first potential sponsorships of this concept. We're still working on names for this service, and we'd appreciate feed-back from our readers on these possibilities, as well as any suggestions you might care to make. Imagine seeing your own neo-logism boldly pasted on a proud (American!) spacecraft as it quivers with excitement on the launch pad in Florida, waiting for the thrust to send it hurtling into space - perhaps into Trans-Lunar Injection!
At any rate, our first list of rough possibilities await your comments:

• Star Trash
• Garbage to the Stars
• Wasted Space
• Take Out The Trash - Way Out!
  
• Ad Astra Per Trashpera

Last time, Jay wrote about amateur hubris:
Ima W. Esome responded:
"I don't know where you come off saying that my public access show isn't as good as Mad TV! You've probably never even seen my brilliant impersonations of Beverly Garland or Alice Ghostley...."

I think someone's pulling my leg here. Still, you didn't make any good points, and there's no point in annoying the host.
-- Jay

Jay's going to Mars!

Yes, friends, I've begun the arduous, yet no-doubt spectacularly rewarding trek toward becoming one of the first (as far as we know) Martians!
Perhaps you saw that Virgin and Google have teamed up for a project called Virgle which will send a "Noah's Ark" to Mars, hoping to create the first Open Source Planet.
When yours truly noticed the announcement, and the "on-line" application / quiz there was no time wasted. Streaking through the questionnaire as though my life depended upon it, I was gratified - nay, exultant - to find that not only was I perfect for the trip, they want me to submit a 30 second video via "You-Tube" which will explain to them precisely why I am totally indispensable to this effort.
I've got Sam in our production department working with me on the video, but I thought I'd ask you, my loyal readers (and confidantes!), to help out with your suggestions as well.
Accordingly, please leave your suggestions as comments relating to this "blog" post and we here at Jay Standish, Inc. LLC will read each and every one of them, appropriating the best thoughts and suggestions to our use, and thanking you most profusely as we make our way to Mars!

Should you wish to join me on this historic voyage, here is a "link" to the application
http://www.google.com/virgle/application.html

I hope to see many of you at the launch pad -
Excelsior!
Excelsior Indeed!